I accidentally had phone sex last night
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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