he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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