Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Randomize
