I CAN MOONWALK!
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
