My nipple is on Facebook.
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Randomize
