cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
