I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
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i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
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im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
These tits shall not be calmed
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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