Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Randomize
