So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
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You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
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When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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