Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
