I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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