Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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