My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
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