What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
He shit in the fireplace
Randomize
