A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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