Please, let me fuck your mom
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
True college students do jello shots in the library
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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