it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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