Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
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I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
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No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
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