Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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