When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Everclear isn't food dammit
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
