I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I didn't notice because vodka
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
