you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
