It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Randomize
