I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
