Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
