I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
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