Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
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