Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
