totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize
