We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
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Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
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