I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
