I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
