that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
