All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Randomize
