apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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