so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
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