I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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