I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
