I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
