You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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