Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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