you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
that's not how you spell hell yes.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.