Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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