im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Randomize
