So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Randomize
