I just threw up on my dentist
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
