Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
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