She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
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