My sheets look like a crime scene.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
