Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
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My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
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My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize