I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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