somebody snuck up and got me drunk
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
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