There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
