I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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