Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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