Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
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