I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
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if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
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So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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