I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
