i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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