JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
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I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
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You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Who died my cat blue again?
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
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